6 months ago I made my way to Morocco. Two months later, I made my way back. I went to try something new. Something new. Someone new. I found both. I found that I can be a new someone and I can accept this new something. I needed that trip to Morocco. I needed the affirmation that I found in my own soul.I needed to remember that in spite of the me that I have become, the me that was, still well, is… and she is. 🙂
At this point 6 months ago seems like such a long time. The last year seems like a movie that happened to someone else. I am so glad that it feels that way. The hurt, the frustration, and the burden were too much and I am so happy that they are gone. I have healed. I accept. I know that what is is and what was was and what will be will be.
I must post later on some magical nights I had while in Morocco (before and after the arrival of my husband) this summer and how I managed to heal. But for now, let me get to the reason that I made my way onto my blog tonight.
I have a close, well hell, I’m going to call her a friend, that seems to me to be my second self. She’s also a beautiful soul and she needs a little reminder of how beautiful life can be. Well today I had a few shining moments of absolute brilliance that I want to dedicate to her.
I took my darling little girls to the park today. Packed a hot picnic lunch and went to see the animals in the little mini-zoo there. After lunch, playing, exploring, swinging, etc, my girls asked me to play a second round of hide and go seek. I agreed and while I was counting (and cheating) I experienced a moment in time that I hope is forever saved in my memory. My two little girls ran off to hide and the elder ran behind a shelter where she was easily hidden. The younger ran to a picnic table where she was very obviously exposed and then noticing how bad of a choice she had made ran to the same shelter where her sister was. She didn’t want to hide in the same place though and so as I made my way from 15 – 20 (laughing the whole time) she ran around a hexagon shaped shelter trying out every option she could think of. At first, she was too close, then too far, then she realized she wasn’t hiding at all but was standing in front of a wall where I would have easily seen her. You could see the panic on her face as she heard me reaching 18, 19, 20… and finally her sister reached out and saved her by pulling her behind where she was hiding the whole time. I crept silently up behind them to scare them and get them before they could run to base, and of course was delighted by their discovery of me just as I rounded a corner and their shrieks of fear and glee as they ran off from me.
By the end of the game, I had fully enjoyed myself and was pleased with how easily I could give them happiness. If you had found me spending time with my children 1 year ago today, you would not have found me playing hide and seek with them. I would have been trying to buy them off with sweets, treats, toys, fun, and other children to play with so that I could spend time talking about nonsense and my problems with other women. I was not being a good mother. I was being a good babysitter. Yet I was extremely defensive with my husband who constantly asked that his children be taken outside. Played with. Educated. Provided with opportunity for laughter and exercise. Given nourishment of the body and soul. I was doing all that. Didn’t he see? and yet, I wasn’t. Not even close to as much as I could have. It took me getting back in touch with myself to finally, finally be better.
So now, a year later and 30 lbs lighter (I wasnt just holding onto a lot of emotional baggage but also a lot of emotional overeating), I am working on my 30th year of life. And while my journey may not be complete, while I am still a work in progress, I have completed the journey and reached the end of one of the hardest years of my life. I can look back and I know that the me that was last year, is no longer. The me that is today is someone new and she is both the old me and the new me and I hope and pray that she will continue to be the best me.
By the way, this is what I said last year about my mothering…
” Here are some certainties that I hope are never lost to time and fear and the trials of this life.
1. I want more than anything to be a good mother. I want my children to have a childhood that fills them with happiness and not longing. I want them to feel that they are secure and loved and confident to be whatever their little beautiful hearts dream to be. I don’t know how to give this to them. But, I know I need to try harder.”
Allah gives us opportunities. We just need to take them. Alhumdulillah!