Did I ever tell you about the me that got lost? Yep, you read that right. At several points in the last 10 years, I have lost myself repeatedly. The first time was when I fell madly in love with my husband. That little fall caused me to lose myself for at least 2 years. I reemerged after college and found myself at my new job. Somehow being with adults and discussing politics and marriage and immigration and the world helped me to find the person that I went to college to become but who got lost in a relationship. Sadly, she got lost again soon after I gave birth to my first child and she went away for a long time. There was only the shadow of my self to stay and take care of my daughter, the shadow of myself who clung to anything that promised security, the shadow of myself who remembered how to have fun. That shadow ate away at the spot where I used to be and almost got rid of me all together. I used to peek out from behind the cover but I would have to go back into hiding to return only when I remembered I was still there. But, I’m coming back full force now. I remember that I used to dance around on the high school stage like a fool who didn’t care how stupid she looked but reveled in the fun and exhilaration of it all. I remember the me that did swing dancing at 16 and would stay out until 4 am dancing at 18. I remember the me who went to New Orleans fearlessly wandering the city in search of fun. I remember the me who got married just because she could and didn’t need verification from anyone that what I did was right because I knew it felt good. I remember the me who didn’t just get the looks from women like “she is seriously crazy, why is she acting like that” but instead got the looks like “she’s so much fun and full of life”. Yeah, I remember that me! She’s still here and while you’ve been trying to get rid of her or make her start acting “normal” or make me forget her, I’ve found her again. She’s the me who makes people laugh without having to try hard and who runs at the next adventure head on. She loves life and she loves fun and she will always be here.
The “me” that got lost…