For the last six months, my life has been filled with uncertainty. I am constantly in a state of changing emotion. One day I am certain of the next step in my life. Certain that if I do not change the status quo, that I will certainly wake up an unhappy old women, regretting the life that past me by because I did not take the chances that I wanted to take. Other days, I am certain that I will throw everything I worked toward away all for the chance to have a change. On those days, I am certain that while I want that change now, once I have it, I will be desperate to go back to the life I now live and currently abhor. I can not find certainty in this period of time, and it is something that I crave deeply.
My life has certainly been in a state of upheaval in the last few months. I have likewise swayed in my dieting as I have in my emotions. Some days I feel certain that I will escape the unhealthy habits that I was raised with and others I feel that I am their slave and will forever be tied to them. I am in a struggle to understand and define myself right now.
I am frustrated and saddened that at almost 29 years old, I do not think I know myself. I have struggled to define myself by so many things in my past and never really been able to put my finger on one. I have been and am an art, theater, poetry loving Francophile who is always in search of spiritual connection with God. I have been and am a person who is obsessed with culture and linguistics and history. I have defined myself as the mother of two little girls, the hijabi wife of a Moroccan man, the American convert to Islam of two Jesus freak hippies. I am all of those things. But they are not enough to define me. Because how is it that things really define a person? Am I defined by others? I have cried about this many times in my life. Recently, I have let go of things that I once thought I was certain of. Why? Because I decided that they couldn’t and wouldn’t define me, if I wasn’t happy with them. So, all I can do is hold onto the things that I am certain of. Here are some certainties that I hope are never lost to time and fear and the trials of this life.
1. I want more than anything to be a good mother. I want my children to have a childhood that fills them with happiness and not longing. I want them to feel that they are secure and loved and confident to be whatever their little beautiful hearts dream to be. I don’t know how to give this to them. But, I know I need to try harder.
2. I am certain that there is no purer love and peace, than what I have found through Allah. Never have I felt as secure or trusting or certain than when I turn to Him. He is the beginning and the end of all of us, and I hope that I never mess up so badly, that I can’t remember this.
3. I am certain that I am where I am because that is where I need to be. The man in my life is in it for a reason. I have two daughters for a reason. I dreamed of both of them when I was pregnant with the first and thought she was a boy. I have no more or less than what has been planned for me.
4. I am certain that I need improvement. So much, that I am not sure where to start and I get disoriented just trying to think about it.
5. I am certain that I dream so much that sometimes I can’t imagine being really good at anything, but just mediocre at everything. I dream of being a singer, a dancer, a tree planter, a world changer, a leader, a scholar…. too many things to count. I am certain that if I really were any of these, then I would dream of more and more.
For right now, I am keeping these certainties close to my heart and trying to remember that if things dont go as planned, then these are the things that I need to hold on to in order to know what to plan next. I pray that all goes well, and that in this life where we are not in control, that the One who is puts order and peace in me. Amen.
Here is a poem that I wrote a few years back. It made me remember…
Follower …find something.
He said I was a follower.
A follower – what’s that?
Someone who needs someone else
to show them
What is happiness?
What is life?
A follower who finds
Happiness in others
Life by how others see you in it.
A position, a place
a place on the grid
the other half of something real
the knowledge of being
something is happiness
but the truth is
I only found real happiness
by following him
and knowing that my place was
next to him, his other half.